Late Night Thinking...

So...apparently sleep is not going to come to me tonight...for whatever reason. I don't know if its part of the fact my back is sunburned (ok maybe a little more than sunburned...but thats what I get for not wearing sunscreen), or maybe its the fact I had icecream at like 9:30 at night...or that I've been drinking Pepsi (I really should just give up soft drinks), or the fact that my mind is running with a million things that I need to do, should have done, or wondering...should I have done that? Anyways, you get my drift...I'm apparently going to be up for a while so I thought I would write about some things that have been on my mind recently.

First off, my body is beginning to have an "internal alarm clock" that likes to go off every morning around 6:15am or so...which I guess is a good thing...preparing me for the day when sleeping in is going to be a distant memory. However, most of the time...I try to ignore it. At first you wonder why this is a problem. Well to most people, its not. It's a "hey I can sleep for another hour and still be ok." However, for me...not so much. I fight with my body to go back sleep...and by the time I finally do my alarm goes off and I have to get up for work...or if I'm not working...I fight it so well I oversleep the alarm I set and wake up way later than I had planned. Both ways make me more tired than I started with if I would have just woken up wihen my alarm went off in the first place. This brings me to my next point...all of the things I should be doing if I would just get my lazy butt out of bed.

One of the things I seem to have a hard time with is having a daily quiet time with God. I hate to even say that I have a problem with it...but I do. I struggle with this a lot. It has been weighing on my heart that this is something I need to do...but I just can't seem to get motivated to get up and do it. I know that when I get up and start my day off in prayer with the Lord, it sets the tone for the rest of the day. I try to pray in the mornings when I wake up, but its so hard to get a full thought together while I'm still fighitng to actually get out of the bed. I need to be disciplined in doing this. I need to be disciplined in reading God's Word. I should be anxious to get out of bed in the mornings and be desiring to search after God and learn as much as I can about Him. It's not that I dont want to, its just this simple: I am not disciplined enough to do it. That hurts to say it but it is true. And what is worse...it hurts God even more. I sometimes feel like God takes a backseat to whatever is going on in my life. Not that I forget about Him, but that He is not at the forefront of everything I do in life. That is not ok. The realization I just had while typing this brought tears to my eyes. He should be my treasure in life, the one thing I search after more than anything else. I need to bring Him to the forefront of my life and I need to do it now. He is sovereign and in control of my life. Not me.

Second of all, I work at a gym...and never work out. How horrible is that. I can work out for free using some great equipment that when used correctly, can absolutely kick your butt (or at least it does mine). Yet, I find an excuse to not do it. I do paperwork, answer phone calls, make phone calls, make posters for the club, clean, or my favorite excuse "I'll do it later!" As I write this blog, I'm apparently the queen of excuses. Which is really not ok. I need to just suck it up, live with what I have and who I am, and go from there. With the extra time I have in the mornings if I would just get up when my body wakes me up, I could go run/jog/walk around my neighborhood. The big loop in my neighborhood is only a mile...but hey I can work myself up to more and doing it quicker as I get in better shape. In fact, I could get up in the mornings, have my quiet time, go run, take a shower and head to work. That would be the ideal start to my day. I should do this.

There are so many things running through my head right now as I write this. I start my senior year of college in about 7 weeks. Crazy, right? I will be 22 in 4 months (which is 3 years away from 25 which is halfway to 50! AhHHH lol...inside joke hehe) In 2 years, I will be basically responsible for myself...out in the real world...wherever my life's journey takes me...which I know will be exciting.

There are so many what ifs about the future...and that scares me beyond belief. I'm kind of a control freak. I like to know what is going on and how it is going to happen. I don't like to be unsure of things...that worries me. I don't like to be unsure of people...that freaks me out. I am terrified of messing up in what I say or do that I run those I am closest to off. I think that is the first time I've admitted that one outloud. That is probably my biggest insecurity of them all. I'm afraid of losing those I am closest to for something I say or do. And most of the time, it is completely irrational fears that I have. I overanalyze with the best of them and it drives me crazy. I, however, don't know how to stop it. I'm wired this way. I have got to get over that. I can't handle it...it drives me insane.... lol I have to give this worrying about being in control to God. Thats one thing I know. Following Him, I have to give it ALL up to him...not just part of it...all of it...even to my very life. I know that God is sovereign and I know He has an exciting plan for my life. I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me.

Now that I have written a small (ok possibly large novel), I am still not anywhere ready for sleep, but I am going to try and lay down at least. Maybe read some (no wait...that might give me more to think about...which would defeat the purpose)...maybe I'll count sheep to help me fall asleep...but I don't even know if that really works...my thoughts always distract me and I lose count! I must not be doing that right. My brain is still moving a hundred miles a minute. There is so much more I can say...probably should say at some point in life...but I'm going to spare you all this much for today.